The Cost of Hardening: Why Women Lose Themselves Trying to Do It All

Looking back, I can see now that as a female, I have always felt this internal tug of war going on. I had this feeling for a long time that I couldn’t quite articulate — a deep desire to be soft and tender. That’s what I wanted, but didn’t have words for, for a very long time.

Because what I felt more than that, and what was more acceptable, was the need to be assertive and strong in a male-driven society. I felt like I had to harden the edges a bit to crowd out the constant noise of expectations of me as a woman who wanted a family, a career, a well-cared-for home.

Soft and tender women aren’t taken seriously as working professionals. But neither are women who are too tough or assertive. We have to find this balance in a patriarchal society that seems to neither embrace the essence of who we are as women nor recognize our need to shapeshift in accordance with what makes men comfortable.

Why We Harden the Edges

Why would this fine-tuning require women to harden the edges? Because to meet those expectations of doing it all, something has to give — and for many women, it is themselves that they give up on. Ever so slightly, just a tiny grain at a time, and it takes years before they realize that there is a gaping hole in who they are.

It starts from a very early age, as a girl. Don’t be a burden, be helpful to your mom and dad, assist in caring for your siblings. Because you are a girl. Don’t be too loud, or play too rough, or be too much. Because you are a girl. You should make yourself loveable, which means you shouldn’t ask for or expect too much.

Don’t question when your parents or other adults are treating you poorly — that’s disrespectful and “too much.” Don’t speak up for yourself when men around you comment on your changing body as you enter the teen years; that would be too much. You’re too sensitive. Don’t mind the unwanted attention from men who are supposed to be respected adults, but also don’t like it. You should also know what not to do to attract the wandering eyes from noticing you in the first place — it’s obviously not men’s fault they are making comments and looking at your teen body. It’s because you’re a girl.

We are led early on to believe that boundaries feel like an inconvenience and betrayal of others rather than self-respect. These experiences at a young age teach girls that in order to succeed, she must harden herself and put her needs and wants last. That’s what a “good girl” does.

The Grown-Up Version of “Good”

As an adult, as she is climbing the career ladder, she may be doing this for herself — but it’s not being modeled how to take care of herself in the process. So the career ladder becomes separate from herself. Another entity that is mocking her: don’t cry because it’s hard, don’t complain because you’re working long hours, don’t expect more if you ask for time off, don’t expect someone to take care of you when you go home. That’s your job.

We are taught that we must sacrifice ourselves to achieve success. And so, women further harden themselves.

The Mental Load and Modern Motherhood

While typically at the same time forming important relationships, women are not shown how to facilitate balance in home-work life between partners. She wants to do it all well, while it is not being modeled how to take care of herself in the process. Balance is not revered or taught. Tolerance to do it all without complaint, is.

As women become mothers, the expectations grow. Kids’ themed birthday parties, snacks for sports, play dates, volunteering at schools, carpool, dentist and doctor appointments, laundry, homework, teacher communication, tracking screen time.

If you have a neurodivergent child, add at least ten more things per day to do and fifty more to worry about. This brings up the mental load of being a working woman and mother. The list of to-do’s and worries is endless.

Fifty years ago, gender roles were clearly divided. As women have fought for equal rights, the scales have tipped — but often toward women doing much more. Many now manage the home, the budget, the kids’ schedules, repairs, food, laundry, appointments — all while working full-time.

All of these expectations leave little time for women to feel they can take time for themselves. And if they do slow down long enough, many find that they feel almost uncomfortable in the stillness — or guilty.

The Discomfort of Stillness

Why is that? It has become so normalized to be so incredibly busy that women can hardly handle being quiet in their own thoughts. Taking time for themselves would require softness and tenderness — and after so many years of having to harden the edges, that can be such an uncomfortable space to be in.

This discomfort drives many women to keep filling their days and hours with more and more busyness — giving more and more to those around them because they have lost the ability to create time and space to give solely to themselves.

The Importance of Support

When we begin to see how deeply these expectations shape us, we can start to imagine a gentler way — one where we honor both our strength and our softness.

If this reflection resonates with you, and you’re craving more balance and support in your parenting journey, I invite you to join one of our Incredible Years Evidence Based Parenting Classes. A place to feel supported in parenting while nurturing your children. 

Check out our website to find out more.

How did this share land for you? Feel free to leave a comment!

XOXO,

Camille